My daughter Ava at 16
(Written July 3, 2008 – one month after the death of my daughter Ava)
I just finished a book about a couple who lost their only child, “First You Die.” Like nearly everything else I have read, it indicates that this pain doesn’t “get better.”
For the author and her husband, the loss has become their definition. The death of their son has determined the rest of their lives – has mapped a course in pain and in “coping,” or at least appearing to cope.
I know this event, the death of my only child – my awesome and adored Ava – is a pivotal point. I know it will remake the rest of my life. But I do not want the rest of my life to be defined by pain, to be determined and outlined by loss. This somehow must help me grow…give… become.
Ava was far too great a person – and is far to great a spirit – to be memorialized by my life’s ruin. I must go on to do/be something good, something strong and positive because of her. Because of us – of what we were together and of what we will always be: connected and powerful.
Dear God, this hurts so bad.
You do a lot Tam. You are one of the most giving and inspirational people I know. You are talented and beautiful- sounds a lot like the young lady you are writing about doesn’t it? I appreciate your friendship even if we don’t see each other often.
Congratulation on not wanting to let your pain define you. Death and grief does transform us but pain is just one part of the transformation.
You might be interested in my expanded definition of grief
Susan, thank you. Your article is perfect and very true. Amid all the books I initially read on grief, I don’t recall reading yours…. Obviously an oversight. May I repost your article on grief heals on this blog? It is perfectly suited. Thank you again…..
An interesting discussion is worth comment. I think that you should write more on this topic, it might not be a taboo subject but generally people are not enough to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers