Grief Journal No. 4: Grief, growth, and pursuit of happiness

We had fun traveling together

I’d had a particularly bad morning; left work early; cried until I was dry.

Then, as so often these days, I felt Ava’s soft-yet-strong arms go around my shoulders, her head press against my cheek, and she rocked me. We rocked as we so often did through the years when providing comfort to one another. She held me and loved me and gave me comfort.

And I felt/heard her voice in my head, “Don’t let this change who you are, Mother. Don’t let this make you an unhappy person. Don’t let this define who you become!”

So I thought about those sentiments.

Of course this will change me. But Ava didn’t mean just any change. She meant, I think, that I could – someday – still choose to be happy.

This has and will continue to remake who I am, but I want (Ava wants) the end result to be a better person somehow… stronger, more loving, more giving. Happier, if possible.

I don’t think that’s possible, after I have written it.

But she want’s me… I want me… to continue to grow.

Her spirit helps me so much!